nikkisheri_67

Desperate. . .

Fri, 09 Dec 2005 05:15:01 GMT

Dear Journal,

I realize its been eons since I've written, but I like to keep hard copies of my journals, which is kinda hard to do with an electronic one such as this. However, I recently ran out of space in my journal, and am thus, quite desperate to get some things out. Somewhere. Very frustrated with my sisters for reasons I can't mention. . . suffice it to say they have a big problem with me liking the guy that I like right now, and it blows. A big part of me wishes I had just kept my mouth shut about the whole thing from the beginning and then I wouldn't have to hear it. A big part of me wishes. . . they would just go away and let me have my fun. Sigh. This sister stuff can get tougher than people realize!
So I'm not even sure if I will be taking classes next semester. Honestly, I hope I'm not, I don't feel like it. But I would need to procur a job before I took that "semester off" step. Which would require a license for transportation, and I haven't done that either. I'm beginning to fear I will be nothing but a chronic procrastinating failure all my life. A failure and a bad sister. God, I wish I knew another triplet girl I could talk to about this. . . No one could possibly understand. I'm in such a fucking trick bag right now. Anyway, I wrote a poem, its called "Free Fallen" and for those of you who aren't familiar with Hobbes,a Leviathan is a sea monster.
"Free Fallen"
What do you do with the realization?
That you’re not the person you’re supposed to be
Have turned into a leviathan of the sea
And can’t return to the stars where you’d be
If you hadn’t fallen into that deep, dark sea?

You’ve fallen, like the morning star
Finally free, but bruised and scarred
And now fated to be forever far
From the destiny of who you are

Left a restless renegade
Living from minute to minute to day
Weary of the watery depths
Saddened from all the murky mess

And can’t return to the stars where you’d be
If you hadn’t fallen into that deep, dark sea.

Oh, and this is my new signature, courtesy of my Grand Valley friends. Who knew I'd actually LIKE people from Grand Raggedy?!
-The DIVINE Miss N

Updating as I babysit.

Fri, 12 Aug 2005 01:40:38 GMT

Dear Journal,

It has been an eternity since I've gotten a chance to write because I moved into my new apartment (which is absolutely fabulous!) and the internet is taking forever to get up and running. So here's the update on what's been going on with me. I seriously wonder if I have a problem with "trees" now. What used to be an occasional thing is now done with frequent fervor. Sigh. One of those things to work on, I guess. Jacqui is leaving in about a week and I try not to think about it because I'm gonna miss her SO freakin' much. I don't even wanna discuss it any further. Ever since Keon left, though, we've been hanging out with Bethany almost every night, and the good thing is, she's going to WCC in the fall, so she's not leaving! At least I'll have SOMEone to soften the blow. And the school year will be starting soon, I'm ready for a change. I stopped going to work yesterday. I just didn't feel like doing it anymore, my last day is Saturday anyway, and they don't pay me enough for me to be polite about never coming back.
My book is coming along steadily but surely. Its hard, I need more details than I realized, and I'm wondering if it wouldn't be easier to just start making shit up and go back and edit once someone wants to tell me how things REALLY were. But even if that doesn't happen, its "based" on a true story, doesn't have to be completely accurate.
Jaq and I have also been trying to wrap our brains around the idea of the casual thing, without success. Beth has had plenty though, and I wonder if there's a reason its so much more difficult for us than her. For some reason we're just more. . . complicated. I don't know. I guess we'll just see how it goes, cuz I'm not going THAT far out of my way to go looking for trouble, I do need to end up successful, after all.
One result of all this time spent with Jaq and Beth is that we've all really started facing our ex-factors together. I'm starting to realize that its just as hard for everybody, I never believed it before. But the beauty of individuals is that they take the same basic situations and handle them completely differently, and with different results. I sank into depression, Beth sank into denial, Jaq kinda did both. But I digress. Last Sunday Beth and I decided to go to church, cuz she'd spent the night at my place. We'd been talking about ex's the night before and on a whim, I decided to take my LOTR necklace and give it back to Daniel, mostly just to hurt his feelings because he's such an asshole and he acts like he doesn't care about anything anymore. So I did, I caught one fleeting hurt expression before he said ok and took it back, and that was it. Then after church he tried to talk to me and it was awkward. Its like "if you really don't want me anymore, just leave me the fuck alone." Don't come talk to me at church, don't give me those puppy dog eyes, cuz at the end of the day, we still won't work out, so just leave me be! Thats exactly what I'm going to say to him if he pulls that bull next week. Anyway, it still made me feel good to give it back, even though I'll kind of miss it. It was kind of broken, so I never wore it, but. . . oh well. He probably threw it away anyway. How can guys be such bitch ass punks? Ugh they suck. They're only good for one thing, and half of them are diseased on top of that. Anyway, I just felt the need to update. Heh. Ta-tah until my internet is up!

-Nikki

argh!

Tue, 02 Aug 2005 20:15:08 GMT

Dear Journal,

I wrote this long, detailed entry yesterday and accidentally erased it, got mad, and decided not to rewrite it. So I guess I need to do a quick recap to cover what I said in that one. The family reunion was much more fun than I had expected, we hung out with our step-cousins Kev and Marcus the whole time, and it turns out they smoke too! So we enlisted the help of our dear Uncle Al (who sells lol) and got high with them two nights in a row, played spades with them, went swimming, just fun shit. They're really cute too, which raises the question of how seriously everybody takes this whole "step-cousin" thing. Cuz obviously, if they didn't consider themselves family they wouldn't have been there, but still. . . they're kinda cute lol. Anyhoo, we had fun.
AAAAAND, drumroll please. . . I moved into my apartment yesterday! YAAAAAY me! Its such a nice apartment, the furniture is great, its big, and its mine. Beth came over and we smoked two fat ones in my room and it was so great after having to sneak around all summer. I still need quite a few things, but I'm so excited. Jaq is gonna be staying with me for a while too, cuz after all, its better than being at home! Oh, and I really need to find someone to have sex with, cuz it has been waaaay too long. I was considering Chris, but let me tell you!
We went over this bama's house the other day because he owes us 16 bucks for when we covered him for Batman Begins, and he said he would smoke us up because he had some trees at his apartment. So we get over there, and as soon as we walk in, its muggy and hot (he says there's something wrong with his air) and it STINKS. Like seriously stinks. And ok, Chris has always been sort of messy, but this was on another level completely. It smelled like dirty dishes, dirty clothes, and rotting food and alcohol, and thats exactly what it was. It was gross, there was old pizza on his bedroom floor, there were dirty clothes, boxers and shit all over the floor, and his bathroom had little knats flying around everywhere. On top of that, his brother had moved out without saying goodbye. There was a note on his ironing board saying where he had moved to and that he'd be back for his dresser. It was really sad, and we felt bad until we finally found an excuse to leave (beth had gotten lost). We told her about it, and she reminded me that his apartment isn't like a bad apartment, its just how he keeps it up and he should be ashamed of himself. And I bet he's gonna need to find a new roommate soon or else he'll wind up homeless. At any rate, he is obviously unacceptable to sleep with. Next.
Jaq got fired from Olga's too, because she was a no-call, no-show after she had checked the schedule and she wasn't on it. So she's up there now trying to plead for her job. I feel bad for her, she's so down now. I hope she gets it worked out. Either way, I don't have to work today, so I'll be back at my apartment to chill in peace and solitude tonight. Hmpft!

-nikki

headed to the reunion. . .

Fri, 29 Jul 2005 16:40:28 GMT

Dear Journal,

We're getting ready to head to Louisville for the Family Reunion, and I'm actually looking forward to it! I'm bringing my GameCube games for the seraphs and I'm excited to play Donkey Konga with them, and I'm bringing my new Harry Potter book because Emmanuel reads them and I'm not sure if he has it yet. So I'm gonna let him borrow it if he hasn't. We've been hanging out with Beth almost every night for the past couple weeks and I didn't realize how great she is til now. We have a lot of fun together. The other night we were stupid blowed, just sitting in the car listening to music and talking and she was like "ya'll why do we DO this? I mean really, why?" And we realized we didn't exactly know. Which called for Allure by Jay-Z at which point we decided because it feels so fucking good! But we're gonna stop soon cuz Jaq has to sing, and we've done everything we said we were gonna do.
We were also talking about our futures, and Beth was talking about how she's going to be successful no matter what, she isn't going to accept anything less than being a baller. And though I don't consider money the equivalent to success, I admire her ambition. And it made me think about my big dreams that I don't even really consider very often anymore. I have this picture of myself, like Mackenzie in Pretense, having a spacious log cabin with a loft for me to write with all of my favorite art pieces that I've collected, my stereo, my computer, and my impressive wine collection =+) and I just spend the day by myself and write and think and produce great philosophical works that everybody has heard of, and then my husband and children get home and I'm a housewife on the side! Maybe I'll write a couple novels, maybe a play or two (which I'll direct myself) and eventually all three of us will be New York Times best selling authors for our triplet book that we're going to write together. Shit, I could win the fucking Nobel Peace Prize for my social commentary and activism through writing! Years from now my name will be synonamous with Booker T. and W.E.B., cuz really, how many black philosophers are out there? And how many women? I'll be the modern John Locke, Thomas Payne, Machiavelli! I've just got to remember to think big and know that that's what I'm working towards. I've got to do better in school, not just this next semester, from now on. I'm got to remember what I want.
As lame as it sounds, I emailed Daniel the other day, and I think I really got closure from the whole thing. I really needed to do that, to say what I had never gotten a chance to say. I don't even know if he's going to read it, but I feel a lot better now. Maurice and Chris have been eyeing me and talking about they're single and whatnot, and Jaq asked me which one I'd pick if I could have either. I don't know if I'd pick either, but its an interesting decision, because they're so different. They look different, they're built different, and they act differently. Which would I prefer? I'll have to think about it, but I think I know. . .

-Nikki

when i was 21. . . it was a very good year. . .

Mon, 25 Jul 2005 19:40:26 GMT

Dear Journal,

The past few weeks have been going really good! Me and Jaq made weed brownies twice in one weekend, and then went swimming at this hotel over on the other side of Ann Arbor. Beth came with us yesterday and it was the life! Just floating on our backs, high, in the jacuzzi, which made us all tingly (lol), it was great! We went to visit Uncle Will today too, and he gave us some money, so that was cool. I move into my apartment a week from today! I'm not prepared AT ALL, I need to get started, cuz I work the rest of the week, and then the family reunion is this weekend. I want to decorate my room really cool, I cannot wait. Then we can make brownies at MY house!
I also finished HBP, and lemme tell you, I've been down about it most of the day. My mom thinks I've relapsed into depression, cuz she didn't know I was reading it because she doesn't like Harry Potter. (Yeah, try hiding that big ass book! Not easy!) *Spoiler!!!* But no, I haven't relapsed, I just can't believe about Dumbledore. . . how could this happen? What the heck are we gonna do now?! We didn't even get the freakin' Horcrux! Argh, and now we have to wait about two more years for the last book! I think I may go back and read the first two books, just to have something to do, since I haven't actually read them, just seen the movies. Well anyway, I have an eye appointment in half an hour, and I've got to figure out how I'm gonna spend this money wisely. . .

-Nikki

Nikki's got a lease. . .

Thu, 21 Jul 2005 07:46:31 GMT

Dear Journal,

Had a dream last night that I had sex with Chris Bigham. . . his phone is off and so is mine (til I pay my bill tomorrow!) Depending on how much money my check is, I'm deciding whether I want to buy the new Harry Potter book or start reading the version I downloaded off Limewire. Its free but its on the computer, and that could become a pain in the ass. I pulled out Order of the Phoenix as a refresher. Oh! Fantastic news! I signed my lease with Mignon on Monday!!! My room is all set up and I am all excited! I get to move in August first! My apartment is number 315, and its going to be absolutely awesome once I move in. Ben who works with me lives down the street, too. It was funny at work we both realized we had roommates who temporarily sold weed and befriended homeless people! Although I bet he didn't have as much fun as I did. . . I have a lot of strange but priceless experiences under my belt. I've just decided, I can't help it, I wanna start it tonight, and my credit card bill is probably going to be too much for me to afford the book anyway. Off to read for at least another hour!

-nikki

don't know what i should do. . .

Mon, 11 Jul 2005 06:36:33 GMT

Dear Journal,

I went to church today, wore this really cute skirt that Jaq let me wear, I felt so girly in it. Daniel kept staring at me and avoiding me at the same time. I confronted him and asked him if he'd brought the DVD's, but he hadn't. Said he thought I'd said I wasn't going to be there. Now why would I call him to tell him NOT to bring them? Stupid. I think he just wants a reason for me to keep bugging him. Either that or he just doesn't care. I'm not sure. I'm pretty sure he only thinks about me when he sees me.
While I was at practice today with Mad I realized I'd gotten a message from Chris on my voicemail. I called him back and teased him about being a manwhore. I told him I could never sleep with him now because he was a ho, and he sounded really disappointed, sort of unconvinced, and asked me to hang out tonight. I sort of wanted to, but I wasnt sure and it just didn't happen, so I didn't. I don't know. Now I'm watching SATC The Fuck Buddy, and seriously considering it. Its not like I want anything besides the physical. I'll think about it. I'll probably just end up being a good girl. . .

-Nikki

a MESS. . .

Sun, 10 Jul 2005 06:27:58 GMT

Dear Journal,

I worked with this new girl today named Molly who is 18, went to Ho-Ron (Huron) and dropped out. She was really nice, a smoker, and she's asking me about random people that I went to school with and she asked me about Chris. I'm like "hell yeah, I know Chris, I grew up with him." She slept with him, said he didn't use a condom, and that afterwards she found out he'd slept with like 4 other girls that she knew. And then he called her, asked her if she could bring a cute friend for Maurice, and wanted to "chill" with them. Thank God I'm too much of a prude to jump into the sack with someone, even when I want to! Thank. God. Cuz that girl is a goey mess, and if he whores around with girls like that helmetless, he is obviously unworthy. Ugh, a mess!
I had to work an extra hour today and it was so much longer! I'm pooped now, about to hit the hay. Jaq is letting me wear her really cute skirt to church tomorrow since she's not coming (she's over Ang's tonight). I'm excited, it is SO cute. I want one. Its one of those mid-calf length poofy ones with sequins and designs on it, and its orange and cream. Hopefully Daniel will bring my Alias DVDs tomorrow so I can finally be rid of excuses to call him. Its been 7 months, when does it get easier? Shit! I hate love. Love stinks. I'm not falling in love with anybody else until I'm ready to get married, cuz this dating thing is for the birds. I'm not trying to get my heart broken by another woman's future husband. It really sucks when you think about it like that. Anyway, I'm for bed. Goodnight.

-Nikki

bad dream. . .

Sat, 09 Jul 2005 19:20:53 GMT

Dear Journal,

I was telling Jaq about how I've still been having a hard time not calling Daniel, and how the other day I completely failed and called him. So last night we hung out with Keon and Beth and we were up pretty late, and I went to bed around 4:30 a.m. I dreamed that I was in an old abandoned house, and I was walking around in it searching for him. And I approached a room and opened it, and him and Jaq were in there together. So I said "what are you guys doing in here?" They said nothing. So I said oh, and left. But then I thought about it and went back and they were fooling around. So of course I go off and like start kicking his ass, like forreal, Jacqui disappears. But then he pins me down and starts kissing me and we end up having sex. Which in my head I'm thinking "no fucking way." So then APOSTLE comes in, and I huddle in the corner and pretend like I'm reading a book, but its really a phone book. And then I woke up because mom gave me the phone because "its somebody named Jason?" and she was being nosy and wanted to know who it was. It turned out to be ASA. I promptly exited stage left of the phone conversation and went back to sleep. But by then the dream was over. I think I may be a little nuts here. Maybe sleeping with someone else really WILL help me get over him! Hmm. . . I wonder just how suggestive I'd have to be to Chris for him to get the hint. I bet he'd be good in bed. . .

-nikki

the rainbow connection. . .

Fri, 08 Jul 2005 08:18:03 GMT

"I've heard it too many times to ignore it, its something that I'm supposed to beee. . . someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection, the lovers, the dreamers and me."

Me and Jaq went to the movies and then hung out with Chris and some of his boys, it was really fun. I LOVED Batman Begins. Chris seems kind of lonely though. . . he's always so somber, so melancholy. I feel kinda bad for him. Whenever we hang out with him he smokes and drinks and I don't really understand why he does both at once. I don't know. But at least we're around so he can have some fun! :)
Mad was talking to Trent today, and I forgot to write about what happened to him last week. I guess he had a seizure and found himself at Kroger over by Big G's plant. Thats at least a mile and a half away from his house. And he didn't remember getting there at all. His epilepsy is getting worse and worse and its like we're running out of options of what to do about it. It makes me so sad I don't know what to think. Its like why is this happening to him? Is there nothing anybody can do about it? We've tried everything. Its just so depressing.
I'm also thinking about quitting smoking. I know its not good for me, and I'm realizing its more difficult to quit than I had originally planned. Which is all the more reason why I should, but I keep putting it off. And I keep putting it off because I just don't have the willpower to begin, but I really need to.
"its something that I'm supposed to be. . ."
Jacqui and I were singing that (along with Away From the Roll of the Sea and Ecco, etc.) and I was thinking about what's calling me, what I've been feeling has been sort of in my ear for a while. I guess I'll have to answer it sometime. . . soon

-Nikki

it's update time!!!

Thu, 07 Jul 2005 05:18:10 GMT

Dear Journal,

Been busy the past couple days because Dan came home unexpectedly. She broke her tooth again, and she had to rush home for dental surgery. We had fun though. Went out smoking and driving two nights in a row. Last night we went to Chris Bigham's friend's house, and I didn't really wanna go because I had a headache and I figured Chris would switch from flirting with me back to Dan since she was here, but it turned out to be fun. Um, Chris was a little drunk as well as high, and even though he was all into his Madden game he was like leaning on me and rubbing his knee against mine the whole time. And when we left and he hugged me, he was like caressing my back and squeezing me really hard. I was like, umm, ok. . . I was actually thinking about getting with him after we left, but then me, Mad and Jaq started talking about how so many people have STD's nowadays. 1 in four adults have herpes. Now, come on, as promiscuous as all of them were in high school, its difficult not to imagine that he's one of those unlucky four. I don't know. I've never even had sex with a condom before. . . thats kind of strange, isn't it? Oh well.
On another note, Cedar Point was a blast! The triplets are so funny, I can understand why people love being around us. Because with three different people with similar faces, similar personalities, but differences as well, its really kinda cool. Me and Curtis were like peas and carrots again, talking about church reform, politics, we rode the Mean Streak together when the others got on the water ride, and sat together basically the whole day. They're so clueless about women though! Curtis asked me if women "passed gas." Like, forreal? Its kinda cute though. So I thought we'd be closer after that, I called him later on that day and he was spending quality time with his parents so he said he'd call me tomorrow. And I haven't heard from him. So I guess we're just friends for now. If he wanted more, he'd call. But anyway, we had tons of fun, the Magnum is still the awesomest ride in the park, followed closely by the Raptor, and I even got Curtis to agree with me. Before he said the Raptor was the best. Jaq and I did the Studio Karaoke, and it was SOOO fun. We did Summer Nights and Soldier together, and I did Breakaway by Kelly Clarkson. Jaq did Crazy by Patsy Cline. They tried to win animals for us, but were too cheap to keep trying, it was hilarious. I'm really glad we went.
Dan left at 6 today, and I bought a really cute white dress. I got my first paycheck today. I was really excited, I made 200 dollars. I was afraid it would be less than that! Welp gotta go.

-nikki

Thu, 30 Jun 2005 04:01:35 GMT

Dear Journal,

ok. So Matthew wants to bring his girlfriend. And (get this!) his girlfriend's sister. Not only that, but he asked Jacqui if we could use her hotel points to get them a room! We said no, and then he asks if they can stay with us! Again, no. We only get two double beds. Can we share one and give one to them? NO! They need to figure it out themselves, or else they can't come. Period. And the sister better not be trying to intrude with the rest of us. Hmpft! Well anyway, also a little annoyed because I called Dani to tell her about it, and she's all like "Nik, I'll call you back in an hour." I bet money she won't. She never does. Annoying.

-Nikki

Wed, 29 Jun 2005 22:58:29 GMT

Dear Journal,

I'm sitting at home by the window. Its a rainstorm out. A lovely one though, nice and dramatic, complete with thunder. I called in to work today because Mad's car was in the shop and I would've had to walk in the rain. Uh, no. So I told them I have pink eye. So I was just sitting here thinking, and I was thinking about how mom was warning me last night to be careful on the roller coasters because of my epilepsy. It seemed as if she started out just casually warning me, and then reminded herself of how bad it used to be and started to become more and more vehement. "Nikki, I'm serious, stay out of the sun and don't go getting on those fast roller coasters! You have to be careful, you don't want a relapse!" I just said "ok, mom." Thought it was cute how she was worried about me. Then I started to think about how Banca used to be the same way with me. "Be careful, Nik." Its like they realize how vulnerable I am when even I don't. But then, I don't remember my seizures, at all, they remember how bad they were. Or how I used to always get kinda dazed and wander off and get lost. I miss him worrying over me. I miss him so much. We used to always laugh fondly at his Time Lectures. But I never really stopped to think about it, really. He kept saying it because it was so important to him, perhaps the most valuable lesson he knew to teach. That time never stops, it doesn't wait, its completely indifferent to people's cares or shortcomings or needs. It is the only thing in life that is colorblind, indiscriminating, completely. A year for me is a year for a 6 year old boy from Siberia. A day is 24 hours, and no matter how much money you have, it'll still only be 24 hours. You can't buy time. You can't bribe time. But in a way, its beautiful that it keeps going. Its like Time knows what's best for us. Whats best for us is to just keep going. Even concerning Banca and Daniel, and a terrible semester. The best thing is to just keep going, keep steadily distancing myself from that time of pain and sadness, and the further away you get, the easier it gets, until one day you realize Time has done what no amount of crying and sadness and questioning has done: its healed your wounds. And in return, you have to make the best of how much of herself she wants to bestow on you. You have to take advantage of it, because it isn't going to stop or turn around or wait for you. Banca and his wonderful, cataclysmic lesson. I hope I make the best of it.

-Nikki

Wed, 29 Jun 2005 06:10:11 GMT

Dear Journal,

I'm getting really frustrated with my computer. My charger is on the fritz and only works when it wants to, and usually not at all. So I can only get on when it decides to be good (like now), but I don't have very much to say. Tomorrow are the Detroit fireworks, and it'll be the first time I haven't gone with Daniel in two years. The first time we got lost and almost missed them, and the second we went to that carnival and the casino in Canada and it was so much fun. It makes me sad. It makes me sad that I still miss him. It makes me sad that he doesn't miss me. Oh well. Life goes on, right? Even if I don't believe it now, something better will come along, and then I'll appreciate it even more for having waited for it. I guess. Cedar Point inches closer, and I am oh so excited! I'm ecstatic that Curtis is coming, although I'm not sure what to expect. But everytime I see him we're like peas and carrots again, so I'm not worried. In the meantime, I've been working my tush off! When I asked for 15-20 hours a week I didn't think I would get 30-35. . . Its one of those things you don't want to do, but once you get there, its not so bad. Its better than class, sadly. Or, rather, the work that comes along with class. Well, being around and talking about movies is interesting, too. So I guess it IS better than class. Too bad I can't get a degree in movies, that would rock. People who don't think film is an artform are bananas. B A N A N A S. hmpft! I never realized how much I love them, or how much I know about them. Well anyway, off to bed, I have a slight headache and I took a Benadryl for it, so I should be knocked out in no time.

-Nikki

Tue, 28 Jun 2005 04:03:09 GMT

Dear Journal,

My next day off will be Saturday when we go to Cedar Point with the Gaddis Triplets! I'm so excited, especially since Curtis called me and left a message to tell me he could come after all. We're spending the night too, and they're going to be in the adjacent hotel, so its going to be great. It'll feel weird without Dani, but I guess now that we're grown being together isn't always a possibility. I wonder how it'll be to see Curtis after 2 and a half years. Last time I saw him was in Atlanta, and I was so sad to say goodbye because I thought I was in love with him and we'd had so much fun. I'm not really looking forward to working all week, but there's really not much I can do about it. I've got a slight headache, but its been a good day off, and Jaq and I are gonna smoke and watch The Incredibles, it'll be great.

Night!

-nikki

Sat, 25 Jun 2005 08:50:45 GMT

Dear Journal,
The job is going well, I've been selling the shit out of bundles, and my manager asked me if I was interested in getting promoted in 30 days. I've only been working three! I guess people love my friendly demeanor! =+) I talked to Anthony yesterday while I was on my break, and he said he would drop off the Marketing Binder tomorrow before he went to work because he's not going to be Marketing Manager anymore. I was fine with it, until I lost my friggin' phone and I can't find it, and its damn near 5 am, I don't know where it could be. Its still on silent since I was at work, so calling it does no good. So I logged on my old name to im him the directions, and in his profile he's writing haikus for this girl and saying he loves her and two more days til they're together and all this bullshit, and I just got furious all over again and told him I wouldn't be here and to call Mignon or Stacey and give it to them. I am literally fighting the urge to log back on and type "i hope you rot in hell. bitch." But I won't. He's the loser, and doing that would make me one too. I really could care less about this girl, it just burns my toast that he was busy finding love elsewhere when I could've been doing the same thing, if I'd known that was how it was going to be. Ugh! I hate wasting time!!! And now he's in love and I'm not. Well fuck him. He's a loser who got kicked out of Eastern, he's a dimwit, and he's an asshole. So I win. That girl is probably gonna dump him when school starts and she realizes he's nothing but a bum in a tired suit working at Von Maur. Welp, I feel SO much better now! Whew! it kind of bothers me that he still bothers me, though. I'm going to have to work on my temper, because I know thats all it is. And MAN it sucks about the Pistons losing the championship, doesn't it?! Major suckage. Good news though! Even though I got scheduled for next weekend, Tim gave me the day off, I don't even know who's gonna cover me, but he took care of it. Awesome, no? Yaaaaay! Cedar Point, here I come!!! =+) One week from tomorrow and the Triplets take on Roller Coasters! OH! I saw Mr. Court, our middle school principle today! He looked so much older, but still so sweet! Ha! It was great. I also saw Adam Ifill's little brother, and Adam is a pilot living in LA. Like, wow! And I saw Laura Cisneros' brother, and he remembered me from the Peter Rabbit video. He said he was gonna go home and pull it out. I was mortified. I wonder who I'll see tomorrow. . .

-Nikki

a slight case of insomnia. . .

Fri, 24 Jun 2005 08:39:41 GMT

Dear Journal,

I've found the perfect, if not somewhat tiring job! Today I had my second day at Hollywood Video, and its wonderful. Right down the street, relatively easy (a lot of standing around shamelessly), and afternoon/night hours, its perfect. Now if only they paid more and didn't schedule me for 35 hours a week. . . but I'm not complaining. I also get free movie rentals, and I ended up watching Bridget Jones' Diary: The Edge of Reason, ignored my bedtime, and now I'm not sleepy, just achy from standing so long. I did like the movie, though, people say its not as good as the first, but I thought it was. So now I'm torn between what "since-I'm-up" activity I should do. Its a toss up between reading the Bible a bit, or starting Anne of Green Gables where I left off. Maybe I'll do both. I'm holding on to the hope that Curtis will come to Cedar Point, it just won't be the same without him, although either way will be fun because me and Jaq will have a blast wherever we go. We were talking, and I realized that this summer together is sort of like a milestone in our lives. Similar to Dan and Jaq's time together at Heidelberg. When we're old and gray and sitting around having tea or some such, we'll reminisce on the summer we turned 21 and did whatever the fuck we wanted and had so much fun. Hanging out with Keon, sometimes Beth, smoking and secretly having our "beer fridge" in the basement, these are times I will remember always. It turns out theres not so much to be depressed about anymore with Jaq around. Or maybe with a job. Or maybe simply a new frame of mind. I don't know. But whatever, I'm off to read/watch my movie before I go to bed and sleep until 3 if I want to, because really, now that I'm working, who's going to stop me? :)

g'night.

Mon, 20 Jun 2005 06:03:03 GMT

I love Purple Haze. . . :)

Father's Day?

Mon, 20 Jun 2005 00:54:06 GMT

Dear Journal,

Not much has gone on today yet. The Pistons play in Game 5 of the NBA Finals in half an hour, and Andra, Keon are supposed to hang out with us later. I was invited to Janessa's Piston's Party tonight, but I get sick of needing rides even though people don't mind it makes me feel bad, so I said no thanks. Jaq and I were going to smoke today since Mom and Mad are in Detroit at "Madea Goes To Jail," but we couldn't agree on what to smoke out of (bowl/bong/or blunt) so we stalemated and didn't. I was thinking about Daniel today. It seems I always think about him on Sundays. He still didn't bring those damn DVDs even though I wasn't at church anyway. Jacqui was, and apparently she bawled him out about it. His brother is home. I wonder if his love-struck, engaged status makes Daniel miss me? Probably not. I've realized that its much easier to get over someone if you don't want them back. Because Anthony can go to hell right after he licks my boots. But for some reason. . . I don't know. Madeline was reading these rules to dating, and one of them was "if you broke up because he wasn't treating you right, you cannot be friends." And I realize its really true. Because they'll treat you just as poorly as a friend as they did as a boyfriend because they think they can. Why do I miss him so much? I don't even really understand what's keeping us apart. Its him. Its hard for me to accept that he doesn't want me anymore when he loved me so much. Ugh, I'm being pathetic. I hate this.

-Nikki

Sat, 18 Jun 2005 05:26:17 GMT

Dear Journal,

I've been doing better this week, I think. I'm down to ONE cigarette a day (yay me and Jaq!), I went to His House Christian Fellowship with Allison yesterday it was good (I've never been to a bible study in my adult life and they're pretty interesting), the Pistons blew out the San Antonio Spurs, I finished reading Girl With a Pearl Earring which is one of my favorite movies, I tried bubble gum weed and hung out with a childhood friend (Chris Bigham), and I bought my first bottle of wine legally. Things are pretty damn good. I also babysat today and made the easiest 25 dollars I've ever made just playing video games and caking with the cherubs, and I finally got my "ponytail," so my hair looks good. I start orientation for Hollywood Video tomorrow, and oh! Pop-pop payed my massive phone bill! All pretty good reasons to be optimistic. So I'm off to bed early tonight to start on a new romance novel and get a good night's sleep for my first day tomorrow. Curtis is going to be in Warren next week with his summer job working with various youth camps, so I may even get to see him, although nothing is definite yet. Oh, and Anne of Green Gables has temporarily replaced The Wizard of Oz as my comfort movie. (Chels you remember that, dontcha? :) Life is getting better and so am I. Yay God, and yay me.

Nikki

Thu, 16 Jun 2005 05:16:13 GMT

Dear Journal,

We were supposed to go to the last night of revival tonight, but Mad didn't end up going, and Mom didn't get off til 7:30. Ant Roz went though, I wonder how she liked it. It was really good last night though. Whenever things start to get intense Marquis plays the warfare drums and its so cool. I really love how he plays those drums. I want to learn how to play so bad. The only thing is, I'm kind of bad at rhythms. I'll have to work on that if I'm to learn. I don't know where I'd practice at. How do you learn how to play the drums if you don't have a drum set? Those things are expensive! I guess when its time for me to learn it'll work itself out.
Everyone's been hounding me to get a job so tough for the past few weeks. Right before I found one though Madeline volunteered me to help out with the church's children's summer program. So I'll be doing that in July. And I got a job at Hollywood Video. I have orientation on Saturday, and even though they pay peanuts, I'll be glad to have something to do, and I get 3 free movies a night. We also get to borrow the new releases a week before they're officially released. I guess they want to make up for the fact that they don't pay very much. I also signed up for classes for summer semester. I'm not sure if I'll have time for them now, but I really need to in order to get my journalism prerequisite out of the way so I can take more than one in the fall. If I don't though, I could always take stuff for my minor while I do it. I already have my prereq for Political Science, I'm so glad I got an A in that class since I'm going to be minoring in it. At least I didn't completely screw up.
I've decided to put my religious questions on hold for a while and just be. Hopefully they'll answer themselves with time. Doubting all the time gets so exhausting! Its like a trap, and once you fall in it, there's little hope of getting out of it because some questions just don't have answers. Or don't have acceptable answers to such a jaded mind. Its like even when people tell you, your cynicism won't allow you to believe it. Which results in a perpetually confused drifter. A very discontent existence. So I think I'll just step back and believe for a while, it serves my purposes better, and I want to.
Mom is taking FOREVER to go to bed, and its really annoying because Jaq and I have plans for tonight! I bought wine and she bought low carb Smirnoff Ice (she's doing so well with her South Beach Diet, I'm so proud!) and we have just a litte bit of Bubble Gum green left. We tried it last night with Chris Bigham, Keon, and Bethany. It was fun. They were being really argumentative with Chris, and Keon was putting on his gay act. It was kind of embarrassing. He was doing that shit on purpose. He even smoked a dark pink cigarette while we were there. What guy smokes pink cigarettes? Me and Jaq stumbled upon Assorted Colored ones by the same people who make Sweet Dreams Cherry. They're so cool. They have light pink, dark pink, light purple, yellow, and bluegreen. Naturally no one ever wants the yellow ones, although for plain old yellow even those look cool. I wanna hang out with Chris again though, he's really cool. We played chess twice, which was awesome, because we both can't find anyone else to play with. He beat me twice, and later he admitted that he'd gotten tipsy with some friends before we got there. Oops. Guess I need to brush up on my game. :)
Oh! I cannot believe what he told us last night, either! Nerissa Pittman is in prison. That nigga really WAS crazy! She beat me up in third grade, I picked a fight with her, and then she knocked off my glasses and kicked my ass. So the story goes, she orchestrated a fatal robbery of a couple who lived in her apartment building in Ypsi. They shot both the man and his girlfriend, and the woman fell on her baby and smothered it to death. She couldn't move because, obviously, she was dead. How tragic is that? There's something just so wrong about a mother killing her baby because she couldn't save it. That poor baby. It took the cops a year to figure out it was Nerissa, and she was put on trial last year. I haven't heard that she's in jail, but she must be by now, its been a year. She always did seem unhinged, but to kill a whole family for money? You've got to be ruthless to do that. To not only take their money, but their lives? For what? What did they do to deserve to get robbed and killed? The girlfriend was only 21. She was our age. Sad. And that girl beat me up. Thank God she didn't snap on me and come back to school with a gun or something. Wow. Sometimes life really is a bitch.
Mom is still awake. I think she might have heard me telling Dan about the Bubble Gum green and is staying up on purpose. I'm actually kind of sleepy. I dimmed the lights to make Mom sleepy, but it seems to be doing a better job on me, cuz she's in the living room reading an Ebony magazine that will SO be there tomorrow. Oh well. I can outlast her any day. I can't wait to get my own apartment and be able to drink my wine whenever I want. I looked up wine tasting and whatnot, its so interesting. The flavor is more determined by the scent than the actual wine, because your taste buds can only detect sweet, sour, salty and bitter. Although I always figured bitter and sour were the same thing. But what do I know? I was reading, and it turns out that Americans have given sweet wine a bad rap since Prohibition, but in Europe and everywhere else its more popular. So now I don't have to feel so bad about hating Chardonnay because its so bitter. Wait! Its bitter, but its definitely not sour. I get it now! Dry wine is bitter, Sour Patch Kids are sour. A distinct difference. I'm so smart! Maybe my weird Coldplay and alternative with persuade her to take her ass to bed. No harm in trying. Its 1:15, and Mad isn't going to be out all night. Dammit!

Love,
Nikki

My Chakras. . .

Tue, 14 Jun 2005 04:19:40 GMT

Dear Journal,

Ang's mother read my chakras tonight and it was fascinating. Chakras are sort of like energy fields I guess, which explains how your energy is and is being effected or how you feel or something. So there are seven energy fields. My first one, the tribal, familial, traditional chakra was open and good. My sexual chakra showed positive change. My ego, or heart chakra was negative, which shows a low self esteem, some fear, cynicism, etc. Big surprise. My vocal chakra was positive, which shows that I'm artistically, and vocally open. My mental chakra was a mess, it took a while to determine what direction it was flowing in. But eventually we settled on it going in an elliptical direction, which meant that my aggressive and passive natures are greatly divided, but that my passive is stronger than my aggressive. I guess that one is regarding like my understanding of some things, anger, perhaps, my mental balance is kind of passive. Lastly, my spiritual chakra is open and big, bigger than Jacqui's.
Mrs. Hench was really nice, although it seemed as if she seemed a little sorry for me. She told me more than once that I was beautiful, and said that my birth order had something to do with my low self esteem, and that journaling would be a good way for me to boost it. Am I that transparent? I think Dad is right, and I'm too hard on myself. Passive and negative are bad combinations, I guess. I got an email from an internet flower service reminding me of Daniel's birthday and offering me deals for flowers for him. I just can't seem to escape the idea of him. She also said that my breakup probably had something to do with my low self esteem. I knew immediately that was it. "What if you should decide that you don't want me there by your side. . . that you don't want me there in your life. . . ?" What do you do with such a strong and blatant gesture of rejection when you were deathly afraid of it all along? You wilt, thats what you do. You crumble into a secret, dark, hidden sadness that is abated only by excess sleeping, and even then your dreams are disturbing. You descend into the depths of despair. And when you start to come out of it, you're still confused and more than a little angry. The sadness isn't as big as the confusion, and the anger. I'm so pissed off at him for how he broke my heart for no reason. No reason other than that he didn't love me enough and he completely took me for granted. I wish I could hate him. It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't still love him. But I am working on that, and people don't take forever to get over their first loves. People do it all the time. They move on. And so will I. Because I AM beautiful, and because something wonderful is waiting out there for me, and it'll be everything I want it to be. And I'm willing to wait for it. "I'll wait for you til kingdom come. . ."

-Nikki

a sunday kind of like the old days. . .

Mon, 13 Jun 2005 05:13:04 GMT

Dear Journal,

Despite the Daniel stuff, today was a good Sunday, kind of like the old days. Church was really good, Bishop Greg Dixon was there, and he was awesome. I think I really had a break-through with my depression and smoking stuff. I have a new outlook on life! Thanks Dr. Dixon! Afterwards was Jamel's open house, where we hung out with Keon and had a silly, silly time. We were sitting in the game room with Mom, Sis. Cherrise, Joy Ancton, and Apostle, and I was teasing him about not voting. It was funny because he got all embarrassed and was like "shut up, i DID!" and I'm like "Keon, don't lie, you did not!" And I was completely kidding, but he was like "if you don't stop I'm gonna leave! I did vote!" I was like "Keon, you're using your 'i'm embarrassed and lying voice', I can tell! You totally DIDN'T VOTE!" And I progressively got louder and finally he leaned in and whispered "why you gotta bring up old shit, huh?" RIGHT across from Apostle! He said it twice for emphasis. It was hilarious, I could not stop laughing. He is the only person brave enough to purposely swear her presence. It was so funny.
Finally we left because me and Jaq wanted naps, but Mad and Mom decided they wanted to joyride around and look at condo's. But we ended up in Ypsitucky Township, and me and Jaq were like "what the heck, can we go HOME?!" Mom got a little lost, it was just kind of silly and funny. I also called Asa and told him about himself for his fuck up. Sorry, I'm not a big swearer anymore, but knocking a girl up twice in two years is a fuck up. And he shouldn't have been so flippin' stupid. The first time, yeah, ok. Mistake, I've give it to ya. But the girl is pregnant again and the baby is only 6 months old? You're a retard, what the flippity flip are you doing? Just TRYING to ruin your life? So yes, I was a little hard on him. Oh well. Maybe I can help prevent baby number three. Ricockulous.
Lastly, after my epiphany about Daniel and a good nap, I woke up and Jacqui was talking to Westley on the phone about the Cedar Point trip. I was excited, me and Jaq talked about spending the night so we don't have to drive back the same night when we'll be so sleepy. Then she says "oh, yeah, Curtis isn't coming now." I'm like huh? What do you mean??! She said Matthew was coming instead. I said I wasn't going if he wasn't! I don't even like Matthew! So I called Curtis and left a message for him to call me back at home, and surprisingly he did, about an hour ago. It was fun talking to him, he's actually going to be in Warren, MI at this camp next week, and he said he'd try to see if he could get any time off at all to come to Cedar Point. We talked about God too, and he's really excited because the speaker at the camp he's at this week plays the saxophone and he's gonna get to play with her. Its so interesting how whenever I begin to approach the depths of despair about Daniel, Curtis shows up to brighten my spirits. I remember when we first started dating and I told Daniel that I'd been in love with Curtis and he was jealous. I don't know, maybe it was an innocent sort of love, but I sort of remember it. I remember the last convention I went to in Atlanta, I was so sad to leave him. And I was sitting next to Dan on the bus, and I started crying, and she held my hand and said "aww, Nik, it'll be ok. You guys are so cute together, it'll happen again one day." And I was thinking "yeah, whatever." But now I don't know. After such a sordid affair with Daniel, it would be nice to have something pure and innocent and good. I'm probably jumping the gun here, but it is ironic how Curtis always shows up to make me feel better when I need it the most. And now I feel better.

Love,
Nikki

Wed, 08 Jun 2005 05:58:53 GMT

we're going tomorrow, and I'm listening to the new Coldplay album. It was released today. Well technically yesterday, on my birthday. It couldn't have come at a better time. (And my tummy hurts.) I'm for bed.

Its My Birthday

Wed, 08 Jun 2005 02:56:47 GMT

Dear Journal,

Its been a long day. Dan got home and we went to Joe's Crab Shack, where Dani and Jaq had to hullahoop while I was dubbed the "dork on the stork" and had to ride it around the restaurant. It was funny. Then we came home for cake and ice cream and a lecture about being grown from Uncle Travis. But he did buy us each a drink at the restaurant, I had wine. Then Mad insisted we were buzzed, which was kind of annoying because I wasn't. I had one glass.
So we're supposed to go out tonight, but Mad and Dani are "tired" and Phillip said he probably couldn't make it, so I don't know if we're still gonna go. I don't know, it wasn't really as exciting a birthday as I expected it to be, but then how many things really are? Now I'm 21 and I can drink legally. And now the whole world considers me an adult. I don't know if the exchange is worth it. I don't feel like a grown up. Like when CitiBank calls I feel like just yelling "look, I'm sorry, I didn't know! I'm just a kid!" I guess that won't really work though. It all feels sort of anti-climactic. Mad, Alisha and Jeremy want to take us out on Friday though, that should be a lot of fun. Funny, anyway.
Earlier Mom had a little moment when she said "this is a bittersweet day," and started crying. I kind of resent that now our birthday is forever tainted. And even though I haven't been thinking about it at all, I wonder if thats the reason for this strange empty feeling I have. Cuz even though I'm surrounded by the closest people to me, I still feel kind of alone.
Daniel didn't call me or answer any of my phone calls from the last two days. I think thats what I needed, a reminder that he's not the kind of person who cares about birthday calls, to be the last straw with him. I'm so angry and annoyed that he hasn't called. Its not like he forgot, I left him messages yesterday and the day before. If he didn't want to come, he could've at least called to tell me and wish me happy birthday. I'm really through, he's going to get quite a surprise from me on Sunday when I give him an "if we weren't in a church I'd spit in your face" look and ignore him. Fuck him. But at least now I'm 21. Now all I have to do is avoid becoming an alcoholic, figure out a way to pay my 1500 debts, find a job, get my apartment, and get back in school. Haha that shouldn't be too hard, right? Yeah right.